say

What a day.  Driving to work it struck me that I had fallen into a routine again.  I got up, went to work, came home, relaxed, next day, start again.  However, this thought brought me much joy.  Back in May, June, and even some of July I was afraid of never having a “normal” routine again.  My life had been kicked out from under me as I knew it and I remember lying in that hospital bed and being scared and weak and missing the simple “aggravations” of everyday life.  Well I’ve got them back and I’m glad!  Sure my routine also includes injecting myself every morning with medicine, talking to my neurologist on a regular basis to keep possible flare-ups in check, getting MRIs every 4 months, and so on so forth.  But I’m alive.  Not only that, I’m living!  I’m planning for the future, have goals and dreams, a career I intend to build upon, and amazing people that fill up my days.  It was looking forward to these things that kept my chin up during the unknown and tests when I was hospitalized.  And here I am, where I feared I’d never be again, able to forget my big problems and get carried away by a simple little day.

Then, there was an assembly at work at the elementary school and an old student spoke about how he, at 13, went to the ER after a football game and a cat scan showed something worrisome.  3 surgeries and much chemo later, he’s alive and well and sharing his story of hope and strength.  Meanwhile, one of my co-workers is sitting by me who went through cancer recently, survived it and recovered as well.  Life is funny.  It throws a lot of shit at us.  But we’re sturdy folk.  The human spirit amazes me.  God’s love and strength amazes me.  The fact I still have a story to tell, though not surprising ;), amazes me.  One thing the kid said stuck out to me the most cause I said the same thing, and still do.  ”It could have been worse.”  When you survive a trauma and are able to function again, that sticks number one in your mind, because you were worse, you know how bad it can be.  You were lucky and didn’t get stuck there, but when life slaps you and the sting fades, you never forget that slap.  You never forget sitting on your ass, lost at the bottom of that well, holding on to that flickering sliver of light.  You can imagine what it’s like to not have that light, you almost didn’t.  But you did.  We have quite a bit to be thankful for.  I came home tonight and bawled my eyes out in my car out of thankfulness and joy and just pure relief!  Life is good and Im glad I’ve got it.  Every “simple” day I get to enjoy the aggravations and serve my purpose.  :)

i have to chuckle as i rock out in my car to my favorite music, and i know i look like i am having an epileptic fit in the headlights of the cars behind me.  it’s also funny to me because i am on an epileptic anti-seizure medication (to prevent my epic migraines).  sadly, the medication’s magic has yet to take any effect on migraine prevention and i am at that moment suffering from my brain splitting open behind my eyes and ripping out my temples.  but still, i have my music turned up high, blinding out the pain.  and i shake it out and dance as much as my seat belt allows.  cause it’s Friday and my week is still not over.  and i need to dance and my fourth wind of the day will expire by the time i get home and there will be no dancing.  and i must dance to my music.  i must.  <3  stop.  it’s seizure time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvsRafxDzPk

i can’t help but make jokes about the lesion i had in my brain.  i’ve been doing it since before i knew what was causing the symptoms or had gone to the hospital, i continued throughout the few diagnoses they went through, and i still do it today.  and every time i question, “too soon?”, as it seems insensitive.  then i realize i’m not insulted and shake my head at the lesion and my slow cleverness and chuckle anyway.

it is pretty funny after all.

too soon?..

it’s funny how those old fearful pangs that have stained our palates from relationships of yesteryear can still creep up on our taste buds lifetimes later.  after the initial reaction of tense instinct, my logic creeps back in and i realize that girl has survived to find this amazing guy that doesn’t hurt me.  and then i smile at the bright unknown future, not knowing what it holds but timidly optimistic.  it’s nice to be with someone that allows me to smile and wants to hold the hand of the girl that is being just me :}

it’s in those moments when i lose myself, that i find Him most clear.  i completely lost myself for a moment when i went to the hospital and my world was ripped out from under my feet (literally and to the left from the lesion ha), and i only first let it hit me after i went home.  i had been focused on fighting whatever was wrong with me and staying positive with my head above water.  then it hit me like a wave, my life as i knew it was gone, the future was unknown except for the high chance of deterioration.  i melted into fear and depression.  i prayed and received love from people in my life.  i cried out all my misgivings, and awoke the morning with renewed strength not my own.  it was from the love i felt through the people and life around me, that God had helped me nurture.  i was gone but He was there.  He is the base of the strength that i build upon daily.  if it gets knocked down, He remains.  i can never be lost to fear when i rest heavily in His hand.

“And He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

one of the most beautiful connections made between humans is music. pure vibrations descended into meaning.